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Sunday, February 4, 2007

My wish for you

I've tried to write this post a dozen times, but couldn't get the words just right. Actually I still can't, so I'll just pull the trigger and publish it. To Anonymous, thank you for commenting on the previous post about expectations. Your words touched my heart and I'd like to make sure everyone saw what you wrote:
You are very fortunate. It is not that way for all of us, the instant love. I am happy for everyone that feels this way, but also sad for myself. Signed, a longtime reader and fellow AP of a Chinese daughter, who has struggled in this (and is embarrassed to use my real name here).
I don't have anything profound to say, just that you're not alone, and thank you for having the courage to verbalize something that many people feel. There were quite a few caring folks who gave their email addresses in the comment section on that post and offered to listen or share their experiences if anyone wants to talk. And there are more people who feel this way than anyone will ever hear about. I think because there's such a stigma involved in admitting that life with your new child - the child you waited years for - isn't perfect or joyous-round-the-clock. But the reality is that it's not perfect for anyone - people just tend to only talk publicly about the "good stuff." So when you read a blog or talk to someone with stars in their eyes, don't forget that you're hearing one small snippet of that person's life. I've mentioned before that I have a lot of help, for example, and I have to give tons of credit to these folks (TubaDad, my mom, our friend JaJa, my Mother's Helper, friends, neighbors, etc.). They let me focus on the kids, keep the dishes and laundry from burying us alive, alleviate untold amounts of stress, and make sure I get "adult" conversation every day. You've heard the mantra "if mama's happy, everybody's happy." Well it should be embroidered on one of our sofa pillows, we've embraced it that heartily. We also got extremely lucky to be matched with two kids who fit our lives/personalities to a tee and don't give us a hard time. (yet...)(yes I know it's coming...) For anyone reading this who is struggling with Post Adoption Depression (PADS) or any feelings you're hesitant to air in public, my hope is that you know you're not alone and that you can find at least one person to talk to. One person who offers the gift of listening with no judgement and no unsolicited advice. That is my wish for you. Much love, M3